Do you ever just feel upset for absolutely no reason? Like, you realize that you’re upset for this reason, and then you become even more upset that you’re upset? Like right now I just can’t stop crying. I just can’t. For the first time in my life, I hate my job. The job I’ve had for 3 years. I was just recently promoted to a manager for God’s sakes. And I fucking hate it! I hate it so damn bad. But most of the reason is because of the “assistant general manager.” He’s nothing more than an asshole. Like he’d be a good manager, if he learned how to deal with people, and if he didn’t walk around like he owned the place. You can see my frustration. I can’t ever manage because he’s up there 24/7 (literally he’s up there every minute of the day). And when he’s there he’s pretty much working anyway and doing everyone else’s job. But I’ve had a past with this guy. There was one night where we were both drinking and sending nudes to each other. I knew it was stupid, and I immediately felt guilty afterwards because I’ve had the same boyfriend for 3 years. Even though it’s not a major deal to a lot of people, I feel like I exploited my body to another guy and that feels close enough to cheating. Ugh. And to make matters worse, I ended up doing it again. But my manager’s nagging became a regular thing. When I was upset and just needed someone to talk to, I would go to him because he would be the only person up at that time of night. But after telling him my problems, he would immediately shift gears and start asking me to send him dirty pictures, or talk dirty to him. Again, you can understand my frustration. My best friend is down in Georgia for school, and my boyfriend’s in Iowa for school. My other close friend is living in Kansas because her husband is in the military; I can’t talk to my family because I hate it (they’re judgemental sometimes and they just don’t understand), and I have no one else. So lately I’ve been holding everything in and trying to process my emotions. I already deal with depression so I’m aware half the time of why I’m in such a horrible mood. But recently (on Sunday actually…) I was called something that I haven’t been called in a long time. And the last time I was ever called it was for a stupid reason and because this guy that I dated for 3 days was just an asshole as well; but I was called the C word at work. I’m known as the C-word that works at the bowling alley. Are you kidding me? The only thing I’ve ever done to the person that called me that (aka the asshole manager) is tell him NO when he asked me for naked pics. I think he’s been holding a personal vendetta against me because I won’t date him. Seriously though he’s been nothing but an asshole to me and this other girl at work for no reason. I’ve been getting so sick of it. So I’ve been having breakdowns at work because of it. But I’ve tried talking to the general manager about my problems, but that doesn’t seem to work, because she absolutely adores my manager. I don’t know what she sees about him, but she doesn’t believe anything anyone tells her about this asshole. I’ve tried many times, a former manager tried many times, but this asshole is seriously kissing the general managers ass. Isn’t it fucked up? Well now half the staff are his friends. And half the staff agrees with whatever the asshole says. So basically I’ll continue to be known as the C-word at work, and there’s nothing I can do about it. It absolutely sucks. I know I’m not at work to make friends, but the fact that I have no one to talk to at work and no one to really work with when it’s supposed to be a “team” type of job, sucks. It sucks knowing you’re on this tiny little island with no one to help or support you. No one listens to me as a manager anyway. So tonight I’ve been crying because I just can’t take it anymore. I don’t want to quit. I seriously love the job. I love serving the bowling leagues. They’re a group of really great guys who aren’t interested in me because I’m a female, but I’ve actually gotten to know quite a few of them. But this asshole is seriously ruining every good thing I’ve come to know and love at this place. It’s just not fair. And now I’m dealing with school. School sucks. I wasted a couple thousand dollars over the summer for 3 online courses that I failed. I pretty much failed intentionally. I started to fall behind when I went on vacation and whatnot, and there was just no way of catching up. Plus, all online classes are accelerated, therefore I was pretty much screwed since the beginning. But my parents don’t know. Actually only a few people know that I failed all those classes. So now I’m on academic warning, just like I was at the last school I was at in Iowa when I went there with my boyfriend. Yeah, I pretty much failed out of that school as well. But the teachers there sucked ass and the course itself sucked. So I switched majors and switched to a school close to home. I’ve never been good at school. Studying and getting shit done is not something I’ve ever been good at. Seriously, who would have thought anyone could suck at doing things? Well I do. I honestly, all the fucking time, just want to lie in my bed and just sleep. I don’t want to live life. I don’t want to reach my goals. I don’t want to have something to do every day of my life. I just want to sit and do nothing. I enjoy doing nothing. I’m so apathetic with life that even life is upset with me. I feel so down and depressed all the time, that it’s hard for me to have any motivation to do anything. I want to drop out of school. I want to quit my job. I just want to lay around. I’m fat and ugly and I hate it, yet I don’t have the motivation to do anything about it. I’ll always remain ugly and fat because I won’t do anything about it. Remember when I said: you’re upset about something, and then you’re upset because you’re upset about something? Yeah, that’s pretty much my life in a squircle. It fucking sucks and there hasn’t been anything to help me. Tonight I thought about suicide, and I started thinking of all the things that would be affected by me killing myself. I thought about my family, and how disappointing I’ve already been to them. They haven’t shown any disappointment in me thought. Yet every time I do something wrong, I feel it. I can sense it. And even though I know I’m sensing something completely different, my mind will always think that the world is upset with me. I won’t ever feel like I’ve accomplished anything in my life, because I’ve never been told that I have. Honestly, I haven’t been told enough how much I mean to the world as compared to how much of a shitty person I’ve been to certain people. I get more shit from my asshole manager, than I do anything good from anyone else. It fucking sucks and it doesn’t help at all. I just want to be happy. I want to have the motivation to be an adult and be successful in my life. But I just can’t. I don’t have the motivation. I want to be noticed by my heroes. That’s honestly the only thing I want in life. I want to be noticed by my heroes. If I could get them to talk to me and trick me into doing things in life, then I’d probably start doing things, and I’d be able to do things for them. I thought I would be able to do things that would make my Gramma in heaven proud, but that hasn’t been turning out well. I don’t have any motivation to make my family proud. But my heroes are different. They’re famous and rich and everyone knows who they are. I think if I were able to get their attention and make them notice and tiny little person like me, then that’ll give me hope to be successful in my life. But then again, I could be saying this shit just to try and meet them. Makes sense, wouldn’t it? I want, want, want, but I don’t give, give, give. But I feel like I give too much. I try my hardest to be nice to everyone. Even people I hate, I just can’t be mean to. I’ve never been able to. Life is just a big box of fuck you. Like everyone can think that my life just isn’t that bad, but living with depression isn’t fun. To have a truck of emotions just hit you on a good day and make you wanna park your car on the fucking train tracks just so you can die, is not a good feeling. It doesn’t help when it’s the main reason you feel so unmotivated to live your own life. I hate blaming my depression, but there really is no other excuse as to why I want to do absolutely nothing on a daily basis. Seriously. Sometimes the nicest, funniest and most outgoing people have problems to face. I bet Adam Levine doesn’t have this problem. Or even CM Punk. Hell, John Cena probably doesn’t face this damn problem. In case you didn’t catch my horrible nonchalantness, my hero is John Cena. I want so badly to meet him, but I know that’s not going to happen. See my apathy and my hopelessness? I make myself miserable on a daily basis. I think I’m starting to love the feeling of being miserable. Seriously….